This article is part of a satirical issue of Educational Horizons.

We all know teaching English language learners is tough. But here are 10 indispensable tips to ensure your ELLs speak raht fine ’Murican lickety split.

As you incorporate these tips in your classroom, just make sure you remember to speak slooooooowly and LOUDLY. ’Cause that always helps.

1. Talk longer. Uninterrupted, 90-minute blocks are best. We all know that the more language we speak at our ELLs, the more chances they have to “catch it.”

2. Don’t bother connecting to students’ background knowledge. Obviously, if they can’t say something, they lack substantial knowledge about it. Older learners especially have survived their youth in a vacuum and under a rock, and any content they may have picked up by accident is utterly incomparable to the Common Core State Standards.

3. Eschew all regard for cultural norms. Unless they are American ones.

4. Disregard wait time for responses. We Americans thrive on immediacy, and by George, we’re going to train our students to be just like our politicians, spouting off early and often. (Besides, tomorrow there will be a test, and who has time to wait? We’ve got a pretest to practice before the test!)

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